“A Review of the Reviewers of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice”

bvsreviews

Rage Mage right Rage Mage Reviews!

Witness the feeding frenzy of self-important Thesaurus owners and their bloviated pretension as they use long words like “bloviated pretension” to make you feel stupid for enjoying a movie you shouldn’t have enjoyed in their opinion. It’s a film so divisive and unpopular with predictably supercilious octogenarians, Randy Herpeshousen of San Francisco Tribune says “joyless and I didn’t laugh”, Fatty McFatfat of The Boron Times spouted “it’s not enough like a Marvel movie”, Hugh G. Buttnoogie of Almost All Writers United called it “pandering to everyone but me”, and Slarti Bartfast of Detroit Star roared “hyperbolically magnificated embellishment”.

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From the critics who brought you such modest understatements as “[It] doesn’t deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as barrels” (Schindler’s List), “It is a film so awe-inspiringly wooden that it is basically a fire-risk” (Citizen Kane), “An explosion in a stupid factory” (Blade Runner), “It’s marginally better than The Cat in the Hat, though that’s like saying suffocation is mildly more amusing than drowning” (Casablanca), “Perhaps the closest Hollywood has come yet to making ‘Ow! My balls!’ seem like a plausible future project” (Forrest Gump), and…“Absolute crack: appallingly written, witlessly directed and sung as if by mice being tortured. It makes Teletubbies look like The Iliad in comparison” (Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens), comes a host of high-brow reviews that are overlong, sullen, boring, plodding, ostentatious, and joyless about a film they’re calling overlong, sullen, boring, plodding, ostentatious, and joyless. I guess life really does imitate art.

“Misogynist, paternalistic…fascist even,” yelped one reviewer on Yelp, then gave the rating 5 out of 10. A fascist film is an average film.

Are we ignoring the chasmic juxtaposition between the Tomatometer and the audience score? Despite the critical bloodbath, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice has “scored big” at the box office. Yes, even bigger than the morbidly obese egos of these pallid social justice warriors. It’s ironic that these critics’ reviews have dominated Rotten Tomatoes, considering they undoubtedly have no vegetables in their diets. But it is hard to argue with their Red Bull-fueled dedication. At least, their obsession with their own opinions is still a better love story than Twilight.

The critics of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice stars…

v1.YzsxNjI4O2c7MTY5Mjg7MjA0ODszODs0Mw  Mugshot

v1.YzsyMjczO2o7MTY5NDM7MjA0ODs4MDs4MA  “I talk more better than you”

v1.YzsxNDk5O2c7MTY5MzQ7MjA0ODszODs0Mg  Low-res selfie

v1.YzsyNDEzO2c7MTY5NDg7MjA0ODszODs0Mg  “I’ve never made a movie before”

v1.YzsyNTg0O2c7MTY5Mzk7MjA0ODsxNTA7MTUw  The decline of TIME Maganize

v1.YzsyNjI1O2c7MTY5MzU7MjA0ODsxNTA7MTUw  Paid for by the Happiest Place on Earth

v1.YzsyNjcwO2c7MTY5MzU7MjA0ODsxNTA7MTUw  Angry White Boy, sir

v1.YzsyNjI4O2c7MTY5Mzg7MjA0ODsxNTA7MTUw  That guy who stares at your legs at Starbucks

and

me.png  #firesnyder

2584127_superman

“Can you look sadder, Henry? Like, pretend you’re not Superman.” – director Zack Snyder

 

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10 thoughts on ““A Review of the Reviewers of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice”

  1. Haha! I love this take on the Batman v. Superman reviews! As someone who’s on the fence to see the movie, that low RT percentage score is discouraging. However, this review points out the overall perhaps pretentiousness of the critics, even if satirically. I’m wondering what your thoughts on the movie are?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi and thanks for your comment! I can’t speak for the Rage Mage but I can give you my own rundown in brief.
      I gave the film a 6.5 out of 10. I personally think the assaults of critics has been unwarranted. Average critical score is a 5 but they talk about it like it’s the worst movie ever made. Worse score than Daredevil? C’mon…
      The worse thing is the movie should be so much more powerful. It suffers from editing and pacing and not enough character motivation, but I thought Batfleck was the best Wayne and Batman we’ve had yet, especially in fighting, though he may be a little too extreme of a characterization. Here’s hoping it becomes a part of his development. Luthor had maybe two perfect villain moments. Wonder woman was one of the best elements of the movie and the fight scenes are jaw dropping. Snyder is a terrific visualist but a terrible storyteller. A lot of things just don’t make sense and I wish superman had gotten more limelight moments. I still recommend everyone watch this movie though, I just wish that as historic as it is the film was a 9. Lots of great ideas and moments that just don’t have the impact they should.
      Go and see it though! Critics that say there’s no fun to be had have been weaned too much in Marvel comedies.

      Liked by 1 person

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