Rage Mage Reviews!
Wheel of Fortune on the Nintendo 64 is a horrific video game based on a tv game show based on a mid-life crisis. Dad’s broke and there’s nothing left to pay the rent. What can you do? Play Wheel of Fortune! Take your pick from a selection of some of the finest video games Wheel’s ever made: the canceled Atari 2600 version, the “lifeless” PS3 version, or my favorite, this N64 title sold by a company on the verge of going bankrupt. If the PS3 version is lifeless, what does that make this? This was the straw that choked the CEO and made GameTek go belly up.
Wheel 64 manages to capture everything fun about the tv show. Namely, nothing. Not even host Pat Sajak, who admitted to being drunk while taping his show. He doesn’t appear in the game, but his ravishing concubine does! Ms. Vanna White seems less interested to appear in this game and than you are to play it.
Someone should’ve told her that baring your teeth is not the same thing as smiling. If Ms. White’s 90’s grin, butch haircut and makeup offend, don’t worry. You won’t be able to see them with this resolution. The same goes for the potato-faced contestants. Though you can select a characters for any of the three players, you’re choices are between “white snob in white dress”, “white snob in blue shirt and blazer”, and “white snob who can’t pronounce letters in the alphabet properly”.
Wheel of Fortune features dozens of puzzles, vid-capture of Vanna White, a 3D wheel to spin… and that’s about it. The game can be completed in 3, 4 or 5 puzzles so it’s thankfully shorter than a vasectomy but still just as damaging to one’s masculinity. The game is serious stripped down to almost nothing. It’s got less information in it than Pat Fatback’s resume.
The 8-Bit Review
Visionary. Magnificent. Gorgeous. Breathtaking. All of these words do not describe this game. It’s a blurry, low-res experience, like having cataracts on your cataracts. I know that 3D was still in its infancy, but with Wheel of Fortune, 3D was more just a twinkle in your mother’s eye than infancy. Good news is the less you see the better. There isn’t anything pretty to look at. The stage is about as dimly lit as it is in real life. Like a crime scene, complete with the stiffs. And Vanna White has had already had enough facelifts to put her upper lip in the stratosphere.
That Red Mage told me music clips go here but there’s barely more than 6 seconds of the stuff in Wheel of Fortune 64. Most of it is filled by the awkward silence of playing this game alone in your underwear with nothing but the derp-voiced contestants to keep you company. Here’s the closest thing I could find to a soundtrack for this game:
Spin the wheel, buy a vowel, solve the puzzle. It’s rudimentary Wheel of Fortune gameplay with letter selection that’s slower than a depressed elderly man at the end of an all-you-can-eat buffet. Like Pat Ajax.
Nothing keeps the party going like sitting back and watching someone else find all the letters, buy all the vowels, and solve the puzzle without getting your turn. And let’s not forget about the jerk who shouts out mid-game: “Oh I know! It’s ‘Uncharged Defribilator’!” Seems like a good reason to keep having zero friends, so high-five on that.
I used two buttons to play this game: the A button to select and the power button to cut this turd off.
Graphics aside, there’s still lots of fun to be had seeing the AI dominate you and rub your face in it. C’mon it’s not like you can guess the puzzles on the tv show, either. With difficulty modes “Easy”, “Average” and “Watch the computer win”, there’s plenty of opportunity to embarrass yourself in front of your octogenarians.
I really hated Jeopardy 64, er… I mean The Price is Right. Family Fued? Who’s Line is it Anyway? What game is this again?
My Personal Grade: 2/10
Nothing like playing a game based on a game that’ll make you start worrying about yourself. While your at it, why not start reading a book based on a book, or watch a movie based on a movie, or play a demo for a game based on a movie based on a book based on a memoir based on the fact that you have no life and just read a review on Jeopar– FRICKIN’ WHEEL OF FORTUNE 64!
Aggregated Score: 3.9