Rage Mage Reviews!
Worst. Critics. Ever.
How much hyperbole and exaggeration do you need to turn film criticism into internet click-bait for keyboard sheeple? The answer is: enough to create a nearly 50% disparity between the audience score and the Rotten Tomatoes “Tomatometer”. Some men (and probably lonely women) just want to watch the world burn.
Yes, they are back for more franchise bashing after having their pockets stuffed with greasy wieners and dirty money laundered from the moth-eaten wallet of the long dead Walter Elias Disney. Rest in peace, you legend. He’s probably rolling in his mouse-eared urn, looking down from his strictly Gentile heaven at what his company is doing in his good name.
Because how else can the world explain the tortured musings of these self-proclaimed “critics” dithering out their scathing critiques like so much bad high schooler poetry? Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the forums of IMDb, these stuffy old people are back to make sure you hate a movie for existing. Complaining of poor editing, they ravaged DC’s newest entry, Suicide Squad, for being (quote) “not as good as it had could have been” (Lisa Pipipupu of German Chocolate Star).
Seriously, these are the people that said of To Kill a Mocking Bird “If I have not yet convinced you of the movie’s astonishingly slipshod quality, I’m unlikely ever to do so.” And of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: “A vapid, soulless, tedious and painfully boring blockbuster. A contender for one of the worst films of the year. I’m surprised it wasn’t directed by Alan Smithee.”
I bet you didn’t think you’d need a dictionary when browsing the internet, but prepare to be assaulted by words like “pedantic”, “shmutz”, “dysentery”, and “valid criticism” as you have your intelligence belittled by an SJW who probably just watched a YouTube video of Roger Ebert one day and thought they were suddenly an expert on film.
Here’s what the poster children for level-headedness and restraint are saying of Suicide Squad. “It’s not a bad movie, but that doesn’t mean it’s good either”, shrieked Cad Shackleton of Bologna Times.
“I never even liked the trailers!” burbled Bobby Burglecut of Crapped On USA.
“[Insert reference to Hot Topic here as joke]” cried John Doe of Everyman Press.
“It’s like looking forward to Christmas all year and then waking up on the big day to find Santa Claus sprawled out dead under your tree”, Fish Mookey of Sports Illustrated.
“Still not enough like Marvel!” said Kevin Feige, president of Marvel Studios.
And Whet William of Finger-Lickin’ Good Reviews raves of Suicide Squad: “I thought this was Deadpool 2.”
“Suicide Squad is the worst superhero movie ever made. It’s worse than Green Lantern, worse than Fantastic Four, worse than Turkish Spider-Man, worse than Avatar: the Last Airbender, worse than anything with Adam Sandler in it. But I love me some Spy Kids! 93% certified fresh on RT, baby! #onevoice !” says Trish Omoniasis of The Skinny.
“When will DC wise up and make a shot-for-shot adaptation of The Avengers?” spat Heraldo D. Fitzenbuttenbower from Laid Off Of My Previous Job Magazine.
“I loooooved the soundtrack! I adore Milli Vanilli!” -Eminem.
Or check this: “It’s too much like a comic book”. Okay, that one’s actually for real. I honestly read that somewhere.
At the very least, if you weren’t entertained by Suicide Squad’s too-comic-booky presentation, you can whisk away the hours pondering which critics are right: the ones who said the plot is “too thin and non-existent” or the ones who said it’s “overstuffed and bloated”. How about the ones who said “needs more humor” and the ones who said “too many jokes”?
FAVORITE critique of all time: “DC should have given all these characters in Suicide Squad stand alone films so we could understand their motivations”. Really? Think about what you just said. You want a Slipknot movie? Or a Rick Flag flick?
Featuring the following critics…
A member of The Patriots
Teenage daughter liked the movie
Six-figures, nine fingers
“I’m from this review blog, but you’ve probably never heard of it”
“Still smarter than you”
“I only find British humor tasteful”
Full review is broken link
Creepier than Jared Leto
“I took a film criticism course in high school!”
Ditto used Leer!
“That was a weird movie…”