“A Review of the Reviewers of Suicide Squad”

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Rage Mage right Rage Mage Reviews!

Worst. Critics. Ever.

How much hyperbole and exaggeration do you need to turn film criticism into internet click-bait for keyboard sheeple? The answer is: enough to create a nearly 50% disparity between the audience score and the Rotten Tomatoes “Tomatometer”. Some men (and probably lonely women) just want to watch the world burn.

Yes, they are back for more franchise bashing after having their pockets stuffed with greasy wieners and dirty money laundered from the moth-eaten wallet of the long dead Walter Elias Disney. Rest in peace, you legend. He’s probably rolling in his mouse-eared urn, looking down from his strictly Gentile heaven at what his company is doing in his good name.

Because how else can the world explain the tortured musings of these self-proclaimed “critics” dithering out their scathing critiques like so much bad high schooler poetry? Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the forums of IMDb, these stuffy old people are back to make sure you hate a movie for existing. Complaining of poor editing, they ravaged DC’s newest entry, Suicide Squad, for being (quote) “not as good as it had could have been” (Lisa Pipipupu of German Chocolate Star).

Seriously, these are the people that said of To Kill a Mocking Bird “If I have not yet convinced you of the movie’s astonishingly slipshod quality, I’m unlikely ever to do so.” And of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest: “A vapid, soulless, tedious and painfully boring blockbuster. A contender for one of the worst films of the year. I’m surprised it wasn’t directed by Alan Smithee.”

I bet you didn’t think you’d need a dictionary when browsing the internet, but prepare to be assaulted by words like “pedantic”, “shmutz”, “dysentery”, and “valid criticism” as you have your intelligence belittled by an SJW who probably just watched a YouTube video of Roger Ebert one day and thought they were suddenly an expert on film.

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Would this man have ever said the words: “I hated this movie so much I wish it was shorter than Harley’s hot pants?”

Here’s what the poster children for level-headedness and restraint are saying of Suicide Squad. “It’s not a bad movie, but that doesn’t mean it’s good either”, shrieked Cad Shackleton of Bologna Times.

“I never even liked the trailers!” burbled Bobby Burglecut of Crapped On USA.

“[Insert reference to Hot Topic here as joke]” cried John Doe of Everyman Press.

“It’s like looking forward to Christmas all year and then waking up on the big day to find Santa Claus sprawled out dead under your tree”, Fish Mookey of Sports Illustrated.

“Still not enough like Marvel!” said Kevin Feige, president of Marvel Studios.

And Whet William of Finger-Lickin’ Good Reviews raves of Suicide Squad: “I thought this was Deadpool 2.”

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Suicide Squad is the worst superhero movie ever made. It’s worse than Green Lantern, worse than Fantastic Four, worse than Turkish Spider-Man, worse than Avatar: the Last Airbender, worse than anything with Adam Sandler in it. But I love me some Spy Kids! 93% certified fresh on RT, baby! #onevoice !” says Trish Omoniasis of The Skinny.

“When will DC wise up and make a shot-for-shot adaptation of The Avengers?” spat Heraldo D. Fitzenbuttenbower from Laid Off Of My Previous Job Magazine.

“I loooooved the soundtrack! I adore Milli Vanilli!” -Eminem.

Or check this: “It’s too much like a comic book”. Okay, that one’s actually for real. I honestly read that somewhere.

At the very least, if you weren’t entertained by Suicide Squad’s too-comic-booky presentation, you can whisk away the hours pondering which critics are right: the ones who said the plot is “too thin and non-existent” or the ones who said it’s “overstuffed and bloated”. How about the ones who said “needs more humor” and the ones who said “too many jokes”?

FAVORITE critique of all time: “DC should have given all these characters in Suicide Squad stand alone films so we could understand their motivations”. Really? Think about what you just said. You want a Slipknot movie? Or a Rick Flag flick?

 

Featuring the following critics…

v1.YzsyNjIyO2c7MTcyOTI7MjA0ODsxNTA7MTUw  A member of The Patriots

v1.YzsyNzI2O2c7MTczMDY7MjA0ODsxNTA7MTUw  Teenage daughter liked the movie

v1.YzsyMjg2O2o7MTcyODA7MTIwMDsxNDQ7MTQ0  Six-figures, nine fingers

v1.YzsyNzIxO2c7MTcyODA7MTIwMDsxNTA7MTUw  El Dinosaurio!

v1.YzsxNjc3O2c7MTcyOTI7MjA0ODszODs0Mw  A firefighter

v1.YzsyNDEwO2c7MTczMDU7MjA0ODszODs0Mg  “I’m from this review blog, but you’ve probably never heard of it”

v1.YzsxNjc1O2c7MTcyOTA7MjA0ODszODs0Mg  “Still smarter than you”

v1.YzsyMzA4O2c7MTcyODA7MTIwMDszODs0Mg  “I only find British humor tasteful”

Full review is broken link

v1.YzsyNDYyO2c7MTczMTI7MjA0ODszODs0Mg  Creepier than Jared Leto

v1.YzsyNjIzO2c7MTcyODA7MTIwMDsxNTA7MTUw  “I took a film criticism course in high school!”

v1.YzsyNjYwO2o7MTcyODU7MjA0ODs2MTE7NjEx  Anti-Change.org

v1.YzsxNzc2O2c7MTczMDE7MjA0ODszODs0Mg  Ditto used Leer!

and…

me.png “That was a weird movie…”

suicide-squad.png

Too much villainy for China.

 

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27 thoughts on ““A Review of the Reviewers of Suicide Squad”

  1. This criticism of other criticisms is a critical disaster! It hurt my eyes to read it, and I didn’t even do that, because I bleached them the instant I saw the headline. 0/10 eyes left in my head Also I need medical attention OOOOWWWW MY FREAKIN EYES I BLAME THE SJWS WAAAAH ;(

    also /s

    Liked by 1 person

      • I think you pretty well nailed it here Mage. This is something I tried to encapsulate in my own review of Suicide Squad as well: yeah, it’s not a great, award-winning movie by any stretch, but it is not worthy of the negative barrage it is receiving from “top” critics.

        I’ve been referred to as an apologist for saying that I found this movie, which I consider ultimately mediocre, enjoyable and fun despite its flaws. I’ve been told that “comic book fans deserved better than this.” Entitled much? So there is certainly lunacy out there from both critics and comic fans.

        Liked by 1 person

        • That’s kind of you to say. I hope to expose some of the strangeness of these “top” critics, the same who lauded Spy Kids and slammed 2001: a Space Odyssey upon its release. Critics are a funny bunch. Guess I’d be sick of superhero films too if I had to watch ALL of them. ‘Course that doesn’t exactly excuse fans either. Funny how many of them were defending the movie before it even came out, then backpedaling afterward or standing by their oscar nominations for the cast of the film. 2016 is a weird time for extreme and divisive opinions.

          Like

  2. Heh, honestly I did think that it was the worst CBM of all time, but that’s only counting ones that I have seen. I know that Deadpool would be worse and possibly the Killing Joke. I did have a feeling that I wouldn’t like it from the get go though. A film about villains in the lead focus was never going to do it for me. I want my very heroic superheroes who fight villains and get the job done. In a film like this, there is really nobody to root for and that’s my main issue. (Along with the excessive language. Was around 100 s words really necessary? I did like the after credits scene though. (Even if it makes a certain hero look bad since another person has figured out his secret identity.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I dunno… worst CBM of all time behind Green Lantern, Superman IV: Quest for Peace, Daredevil, Steel, Jonah Hex, Catwoman, Howard the Duck, Spider-Man 3, Fant4stic, Captain America (1990), or Batman & Robin? I definitely think Killing Joke was worse. There was a lot to dislike in Suicide Squad but there were things I liked about it. I totally agree that the language was excessive. Considering I want to peep these with my wife and eventually my children, there was too much “male gaze” as well.

      I was excited for the concept of a villains only movie, since that’s something Marvel could never do. But the best critique I’ve heard for SS emphasized that “mission” movies with an ensemble like this need to have a reason for all of the characters to be recruited and to be present on the team. Aside for El Diablo and Deadshot, maybe Killer Croc, there wasn’t really much of a reason for the other characters to be present. As a team put together to stop metahumans, what were Captain Boomerang, Slipknot and Harley supposed to do? They felt pretty useless most of the time and that saps a lot of the tension and “oomph”. I wish I could see these characters in a better movie. With a different soundtrack.

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yes, I think the sequel can hopefully fix and improve on these issues a lot. The idea of these guys facing off against Superman is pretty laughable. From the above movies though, I actually loved Spider-Man 3 and Superman IV while I also enjoyed Green Lantern and Fant4stic. The others were pretty bad for the most part, but not quite as bad imo.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Yes well of course you’re free to enjoy whatever movies you like. I brought up some of those based on critical consensus, but I enjoy a few of them. I’d consider Batman & Robin unwatchable. Still. I actually think Superman III is worse than IV.

          Liked by 1 person

    • Haha! This scourge of a post doesn’t encapsulate my feelings about the movie, just the Rage Mage’s feelings about the critics. I didn’t hate Suicide Squad, but it certainly wasn’t my favorite film. Yet it did not deserve the mud the critics dragged it through.

      Like

  3. Ha! Excellent post! My thinking has always been “ignore movie critics, they get paid to complain”. When there isn’t enough to complain about, they make stuff up. Seriously, nice reviews don’t get noticed. All three of my kids have gone to see SS and all three enjoyed it, with one having said he hated Leto’s Joker, but he would absolutely go see the movie again. To me, that’s two and a half thumbs up, from sources I trust!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hey thanks for reading! Hopefully all of this hogwash gave you a laugh or two. They want hyperbole. Here they go. I saw it twice now and didn’t really like Leto’s Joker much either, but Cap Boomerang was the best! Definitely NOT a 26% film.

      Liked by 1 person

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