Rage Mage Reviews!
So a tiny paper weight from a 3rd-world country video game company was recently released and it set the internet on fire like so much dog crap in a big, runny paper bag. Ladies and leotards: the Nintendo Switch, a device so inflammatory it summoned the shock jocks and mouth-breathers from the dark recesses of their dimly lit parents’ basements to spew their bile and record close-ups of their in-grown hairs. The Switch, if you forgot to have your mom pay your internet bill, is the lovechild of John Podesta and Anthony Weiner, in other words, it’s a home system and a handheld, or as I prefer: a homewreck and a port-a-potty. For some reason, this is exactly what a world of over-privileged whiners needed for a punching bag.
Launched from the sweaty, obsolete gullet of Nintendo, critics are wild for the Switch. And by wild I mean they’ve regressed in their “reviews” to unintelligible pre-human pig-noises such as the ancestors of the noble Proboscis Monkey made, saturating the so-called information age with so much of their Precambrian presence. Witness the irrelevant mewling of this modern brand of ego-bloated gaming journalism, now become as self-important as a sentient bowl of lukewarm guacamole.
I’ll bet you can’t wait to watch coverage of gaunt, turquoise-haired meat-satchels running their greasy, skeletal fingers all over the Nintendo Switch, drawling on and on about how this new console is D.O.A. So I’ve gathered a selection of their tech reviews conveniently all in one place for you under-achievers.
Of the Switch, dookie2988 from CNET drooled: “I really hate that kickstand. I haven’t tried turning it on cuz I can’t get past that kickstand. Look, how flimsy the Switch is! If you push it over, it will have had fallen over.”
Sam Manela of Eurogamer USA writes: “Nintendo is doomed!! Unless they figure out how to feature the next Call of Duty and Grand Theft Auto then there’s no reason to switch to their newest system. See? I’m a Shakespearean writer for making a pun using the word switch. You haven’t seen anyone else do that!”
Hobbe Livious of Foodie Game Reviews snarled: “Is the entire console a very expensive piece of conceptual art? Is the shapeless, structureless UI that droops and slumps and collapses while you use it supposed to be an interface or the experience of going insane? Why do the cartridges taste like fish?”
Fanny I. Openner of Goner EA News uttered, “Remember the NES Classic? Exactly.”
The Game Theorizers reported: “Typical flimsy hardware from Nintendo… I dropped it from the height of my high horse and now it doesn’t work!”
“Breath of the Wild? Ew. Zelda hasn’t been cool since 1986!” -Shigeru Miyamoto
Bleu Aut Flemming from IGN France: “Oh it’s worse than the Virtual Boy… I give it a 9/10.”
George Mucas of Real Historians R Us said: “I feel like I’m being colonized.”
Ruddy Poupon of Swank Magazine mewled: “Unless Nintendo can win me over with free online services, backward compatibility all the way back to the Magnavox Odyssey, a welfare system, a free puppy named Geshtapo, a cure for genital cancer, games that actually appeal to mature adults, and they start treating gamers like intelligent people, like the free-thinking spirits that we are, then I’m just going to vote with my dollar… 4k gaming, baybeee! Pew pew headshot!”
“The Nintendo Switch reportedly has record-breaking sales but how do we know Russia wasn’t involved?” -Jill Stein (before fleeing the country)
“We don’t do video games,” said Rotten Tomatoes.
The President of Sony tweeted: “It’s not enough like PlayStation!! Zelda imma let you finish… but Horizon Zero Dawn has the best open-world of all time!! Of all time!!”
I tried to reach representatives from Xbox for a comment, but apparently none of them have learned how to use words yet. However I did manage to snag a photograph of their secret Xbox Mini handheld set to hit the market in 2018 to compete with the Switch:
For more biased info on the Switch and the downfall of journalistic integrity, see the following:
Now you’re playing with drunk on power
Gaming news for weeaboos
“They finally made a controller small enough for POTUS’s hands.”
“We’re so meta for using the word meta…”
“I wish that I could be like the cool kids…”
The textual equivalent of waterboarding
Charisma of a cult leader