“Visually striking, original, unforgettable, timeless, other stereotypical critic phrases.”
-Pat, New York Times review of Beauty and the Beast
Rage Mage Reviews!
While we’re all intoxicated with the latest rehash of a tale that feels like it’s literally as old as time by the filmmaking studio equivalent to beating a dead horse, completely missing the inebriated idiocy of paying again to see an over-CGI’d pantomime of a cartoon we could visualize in entirety with our eyes shut just so the Mouse can have enough filthy lucre to keep that cryogenically frozen brain of Walter Hussein Disney alive, I thought we should revisit more of that ol’ Disney magic.
Forget for a moment about Beauty and the Beast’s hairy, smelly, bushy eye-browed lead (and whoever it is that plays the Beast, too) by taking a step back in time to the history that Disney wants us all to pretend never happened. Before they became the corporate superpower capable of threatening an entire American state, which actually happened, they were just a little studio making racist jokes like the rest of you. Now they’re just playing it safe, panderingly.
Sweep these back out from under the rug, Disney. Everyone makes mistakes.
Here are five Disney movies that need a live action remake, because we certainly can’t expect anything original from them ever again.
#5: Oliver and Company (1988)
Remember all those catchy songs? Like… … Anyway, scrap All Dogs Go To Heaven, because this is the only live action singing dog movie the world needs. Let the amorphous blobs decry: “My childhood!” You could even put an Oliver twist on things and make the street-smart pup a marginalized, burqa-wearing, trans-gay-cisgender Jewish Latino Chinese African American Indian female hipster in college at UC Berkeley with a mustache, just to cover all their bases. As long as she doesn’t look white. Considering Disney Studios is also a has been, it shouldn’t be too hard for them to connect with Mr. Billy Joel. Just have him walk around with a snapchat puppy filter and they’re set!
#4. “Alien Encounters” on The Wonderful World of Disney (aired March 1995)
You remember The Wonderful World of Disney, don’t you? It was when Disney taught you what colors were, how to count to ten, which of your parents to love more, and that we’re not alone in the universe. Disney let the huge diabetic cat out of the bag with this episode, which has not been aired again since, obviously. It totally explains how Disneyland has all that crazy hologram technology for their attractions: alien technology. So just remember, the next time you stay at a Disney hotel, you may just wake up in the middle of the night with a chestburster. I have this “banned” video here for you today:
#3. Der Fuehrer’s Face (1943)
So many wartime propaganda cartoons could’ve occupied this spot on my list, from Ducktators to Education of Death (Disney don’t pull no punches), but it had to go to Der Fuehrer’s Face just because it’s such a genuinely hilarious anachronism. There’s not enough patriotism left to make a smear campaign as boldly funny as this animated short. You can’t watch this without having your side split. Who cares if it makes you a little Mein Un-Kampfortable? We suspected all along that Donald Duck was a Nazi.
#2. Song of the South (1946)
We all know that milk is racist (thanks for that little nugget, California education system), but so is Disney. “Zip-a -dee-doo-dah. Zip-a-dee-ay. My oh my Disney back in the day… was extraordinarily racist.” At least, not in the same way they are now. Rather than pandering for the sake of your wallet, they produced warmhearted and humorous tales at the expense of racial minorities. Which one’s worse? You tell me. I say cast Idris Elba as Uncle Remus.
#1: The Story of Menstruation (1946)
I can’t imagine this would be too hard to bring to live action! It would be the perfect misandrist propaganda for today’s gynocentric Disney! Actually, I’m happy to announce that filming has already begun for the live action Story of Menstruation, starring Glenn Close and Betty White! Here’s a short clip from one of the film’s most climactic scenes! #thefutureisfemale
Yada da da daaa dann, be offended.